I am a: Quirky sysadmin. Geek. Gamer. Comic fangirl. My little space, my home on the interwebs. I blog about personal stuffs, work, various coding projects, and anything else I feel like.

I’ve been dreaming about Hobie a lot lately. I guess it’s only natural, I dreamed about my grandfather for a long time following his death. I dreamed about her last night, except this time she appeared as she did back in her prime — “fat and purdy” as Papa Buddy used to say. I dreamed I had gone camping with my mother and brother and for whatever reason, Hobie had to stay in the car.

(weird … as 1. Mom doesn’t “camp” and 2. I would have never EVER left one of my animals in a vehicle)

The night before last, I dreamed Hobie was dying all over again, and I was trying to save her. I don’t remember the results of my efforts, but I guess they couldn’t have been too far from the “real world” results. In my dream I also relived the conversation I had with my mother the morning following her death. Mom was comforting and consoling, reminding me that Hobie was very old for a cat and considering all things, had a very good life including being in good health with the exception of the last few months of her life. All cats should be so lucky.

I know it’s selfish, but I couldn’t help but want to hang on to her longer. “It’s only natural,” I remember explaining to Jessie, “to want to hang on to a loved one and wish that they could stay with you forever, but this is a part of the great circle of life and is the inevitable and inescapable fate of all living things.”

Thinking back, I think I was trying to more convince myself of that, than her.

Luckily my boss was nice enough to let me have that Monday off. I had originally planned to put her down that day, but Hobie passed away late the night before, so I spent the morning burying her — and for the rest of the day, letting myself fall apart. I’ve never handled the death of a loved one well, but I’d like to think I’m getting better at it … if that’s something to be proud of at all.

Hopefully soon I can go back to my “normal” dreams about tornadoes and whatever tv show/movie I had watched the night before.