I am a: Quirky sysadmin. Geek. Gamer. Comic fangirl. My little space, my home on the interwebs. I blog about personal stuffs, work, various coding projects, and anything else I feel like.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted “personal stuff”. There are a myriad of reasons, the biggest being that I work for a company that has a huge online presence — including blogging and social networking. Being at UAB, I was always selective with what I shared, but I’ve found that I have to be even more so now.

That … and I tend to go “anti-blog” when there’s a lot of family drama and other things going on.

I had a dream earlier this week that UAB called me and wanted me to come back. The details of the dream are very faint to me now, but I distinctly remember waking up and feeling very down. That feeling has pretty much stuck with me all week. I can’t shake it, and what’s worse, I don’t yet fully understand why it’s bothering me so much.

I once told someone that I didn’t know that I wanted to be a web designer until I was hired there. Sure, there were things that I didn’t like about it. Higher management didn’t think much of my department. The pay wasn’t that great, but the benefits were awesome. It was close to home, and I had a very flexible schedule.

What I loved most about the job: I got to create things. Sure, it wasn’t as often as I’d like, and the majority of what I created I couldn’t show off to anyone … but for me it was just a great feeling being a part of the team. I felt appreciated. My opinion mattered. I loved my coworkers — they’re great people. Some of my “customers” I could have done without, but there were several that I just adored and loved working with.

And before I knew it … all that was gone.

Sure, I like where I am now. The people are nice. The facilities are nice. The pay is great. The benefits are less than UAB’s, but nobody’s perfect. But I miss the creative stuff.

I think that’s what’s eating me up, and I can’t yet let go of it. I mean let’s face it, with the way the economy is right now and the local government’s current financial state being in the toilet, there’s no way I’m going to be hired back. And to be totally honest, I just can’t go back to work under the current administration. My department is full of great people, but the people in charge all the way up the hierarchy don’t appreciate them, and sure as hell didn’t think much of me.

Or, that’s the impression they ALWAYS gave me! Several people have tried to convince me otherwise. It’s hard to listen when their actions tell me something totally different!!

I recently heard from a friend who’s still there, and I’ve been replaced — well, sort of. My actual position still no longer exists, but my duties have been taken over by someone. She was brought in during last year’s “merger” and took over most of my workload when I was laid off. I unwittingly trained my replacement. Thanks to me, she’s got some SharePoint and HTML experience, so she was naturally selected to pick up my stuff.

I don’t think that’s what she wants, but I definitely get the impression that she feels she can’t do anything else there and is just doing what she’s told so she can keep her job. Not that I blame her. She’s a good friend of mine, I love her dearly, and I can’t bring myself to be mad at her. It’s not her fault that I was let go, but I still can’t help feeling like shit when I think about how easily I was replaced.

Thinking about it now, I guess that’s why I’ve been trying like mad to stay preoccupied with new obsessions. They’re distractions to keep me from thinking about how unhappy and useless I feel. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s probably my own for not keeping my options open during my time at UAB. I was so happy to finally be there, that I shied away from any new possibilities because I felt loyal to my employer and refused to hear any offers from anywhere else.

That’s something that keeps biting me in the ass: being loyal to my employer. You’d think I’d have learned by now …