I am a: Quirky sysadmin. Geek. Gamer. Comic fangirl. My little space, my home on the interwebs. I blog about personal stuffs, work, various coding projects, and anything else I feel like.

I know I kept promising personal updates. I kept holding off thinking things may settle down for once and I’d have something new to report. Things between me and Jim haven’t really progressed forward all that much in the grand scheme of things. Sure, we have our really good days and on those days, he’s hopeful and things look and sound promising. Then we have our “not so good days”, which were pretty much like what we had this weekend.

We had a huge fight Friday night, then another one Saturday. He wants me to leave him. He says he sees no future for the two of us and the sooner we separate, the better. He even deleted me from his Facebook friends list (AGAIN), telling me that he never wanted me on there in the first place. When I asked what that meant, he had no explanation other than “I like my space.”

Um, EXCUSE ME?!

I pointed out that I never post on his wall. Rarely ever “like” his postings, and even more rarely comment on anything he posts. How much more space could I give him? Of course, I when I asked why he wanted his daughter on his Facebook friends list but not his WIFE, he got all defensive saying, “How can I answer a question like that?”

I don’t hear from him unless he needs something. PERIOD. No texts, no calls, no emails. NOTHING. He sleeps on the couch. We don’t speak at all on some days. Heaven forbid I ever bother him with what needs to be done around the house, how Jessie is doing in school, or how her behavior has been. He doesn’t want to hear anything, he just wants to be “left alone.” Pardon me, but how much more fucking space could I give him???

His mood swings are radical some days. One minute he’s fine, the next it’s all “Get away from me, don’t talk to me, I don’t want to hear from anybody.” God bless Jessie, she made the comment Saturday that she knows where she gets her fits from (she’s become quite the handful, but she’s a teenager and I would expect some attitude and unreasonable behavior once in a blue moon). I laughed, but it’s true. His fits are only bigger and more drama-king-ish.

I think I cried most of this past weekend and even though he never verbally apologized, it was visible that he felt bad. I think I’m more mad than anything today, but honestly I swear I’m about to lose my damn mind. I mean, what else can I do?

I brought up his medication. He claims that he spoke to our doctor about it “months ago” and it was changed at some point, but I’ve gone over his prescription history. The only thing I could figure is maybe she gave him some samples to use, and even that couldn’t have been more than a month or two’s worth at the very most. I’m not doctor, but I know these things can sometimes take SEVERAL MONTHS to show ANY sign of improvement!

What’s worse, I’ve gotten second opinions from other doctors I’ve talked to, and they have all suggested he talk to our doctor about getting his medication changed ASAP. But I can’t make HIM see that. He’s refusing to even consider talking to our doctor again. He’s refusing to consider counseling (yet promised me just a few months ago that he would try “everything possible” before considering us parting ways).

So I’m stuck in limbo … and that’s about it in a nutshell.

He still says he loves, but is not in love with me. He keeps telling me I need to find someone to make me happy while I’m still young, that he’s too broken to give me what I need.

Dammit, I just want my husband back.