I am a: Quirky sysadmin. Geek. Gamer. Comic fangirl. My little space, my home on the interwebs. I blog about personal stuffs, work, various coding projects, and anything else I feel like.

Y’all please excuse my lack of updates, as well as the lack of funnies for the last couple of weeks. I haven’t exactly been in a humorous mood lately. I’d like to say that things have gotten better, but in all honesty they haven’t. That which I’ve feared looks to be coming to fruition unless something drastic happens — a separation. I had thought things were getting better because we’d bought my new car, and replaced some large appliances in our kitchen. I thought the latter was a smart move, as it would add value to the house when/if we decided to put it back on the market again. I had thought these things meant that things were slowly progressing towards ‘better.’

Apparently I thought wrong … again.

Jim and I had a talk a couple weeks ago and he told me flatly that he still wanted to separate, and us committing to these things wasn’t because “we” were getting better, but because he thought they would make me happy. I would give everything up in a heartbeat if he asked that of me.

Then last week I brought up counseling again. He still believes that it would not help us, BUT he did agree to think about it. I thought that was a small victory. It wasn’t a yes, but it wasn’t a no either. A win, right?

Maybe. Then again, maybe not.

We had a huge fight last weekend. And we had two this past holiday weekend. It seems all we do now is fight. Even Jessie has noticed this. And it’s not over anything big. Each incident has been his overreacting to something, or him acting like a jerk and me calling him on it.

Last night I said something that I hoped I would never have to. I reminded him that he knew where the door was, implying that he was free to leave whenever he wanted to.

The truth is, I don’t want him to leave. But I can’t keep living this way either. I told him that I wasn’t going to let him continue to mistreat or bully me.

We didn’t speak again for the rest of the night, and I was out the door headed to work before he got up this morning.

I’m still really angry. I don’t know what his deal is recently. He’s snippy, always making snide or just plain rude comments. If I call him on it, he flies into asshole mode and we fight. I’m tired of being the first to apologize just to make things easier. But I’m tired of the fights too.

The thing is, if he were always like this … we never would have lasted this long. We’ve only been married three and a half years, but have been together for nearly nine.

A friend of mine advised me to be patient and let him work out his demons on his own; that he doesn’t mean to be taking it out on me. There have been far too many good things between us for me to throw this away, but how much is too much? But how long should I take this before putting my foot down and saying “You’re being a jerk, get your shit together or get out!”

Some days I’m still hopeful and think to myself “Hey, we’ll get through this and everything will be OK!” and others I think “Oh God, help us, I don’t see how this will ever work itself out.”

I just know this: I’m so very tired, and I miss my husband, my best friend, my hero, that sweet strong man that I married. I’m afraid I’ll never have him back.