Remember the old rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? I remember hearing that growing up from school teachers, family members, … I didn’t believe it then, and I don’t believe it now.
This morning Jim and I had a sit down with the school counselor and vice principal. There’s been a group of girls bullying Jessie at school and we wanted to take some steps to address the matter and (hopefully) nip it while it’s still early in the school year. It seems that a handful of girls who were in Jessie’s class last year have formed a clique with a problem child, “Buffy”*, who has bullied Jessie in the past. One of the girls, “Kelly”*, was her best friend last year and I thought she was a very sweet girl!
None of the girls are in Jessie’s class this year, but they share the same P.E. time and stand together in the “car line” waiting to be picked up by parents in the afternoons. From what we’ve been told, the girls have taken to calling Jessie names and making derogatory comments about her appearance the past few weeks. Jessie said that “Buffy”*, “Kelly”*, and several other girls would come up to her on the playground and in the halls and say really mean things to her.
We’ve dealt with “Buffy”* for the last couple years, saying mean things to Jessie, and Jim and I have talked to her about how to handle that. I advised her to just ignore the little shit — but that was one on one. For the most part, Jessie did OK with that, but now it seems “Buffy”*’s got a group of followers, which makes her a little harder to ignore (and the comments a little more hurtful coming from those she trusted).
And, to make matters worse, things have escalated.
Last week, “Kelly”* shoved Jessie hard enough for her to lose her balance — unprovoked. Jessie didn’t tell us about it until the weekend, and also told us that it’s not the first time this has happened this year. While I’m disappointed that Jessie didn’t tell us sooner, I can understand why. Most of these girls were her friends last year and in previous years. She didn’t want to tattle on her friends. “Buffy”* is really the only kid she’s had a problem with, and we found out (a little too late) that by the end of last year, she had taken to retaliating against Jessie if she went to a teacher to report the bullying. This kid started tattling on Jessie for things that (according to Jessie) she simply had not done.
Now, I know Jessie. I know when she’s fibbing. But I believe everything she’s told me about this kid, and I have seen some of the behavior first hand. I swear to God, if “Buffy”* knows what’s good for her, she’d be thanking her lucky stars that *I* am not her mother, because I would wash out her mouth with soap and give her an ass-beating she’d NEVER forget!
But I’m not … and from what I understand, her parents don’t believe she’s a problem and as such, don’t discipline her. So where does that leave Jessie?
A friend at work sent me this from the parenting section of About.com:
What Parents Can Do
If your child complains about being bullied at school, or if you suspect that might be happening, here are some suggestions.
- Make it clear that you accept your child’s reports of what is happening and that you take them seriously. She needs to know she has someone on her side who is willing to help her. Today, you are her hero.
- Reassure her that this situation can be resolved.
- At the same time, let her know that you do not think this is her fault. Her confidence has already taken a big hit, and she already feels like a victim.
- While it is natural to want to protect your child by solving the problem for him, it will serve your child better if you teach him how to solve the problem himself. By learning the skills to stand up for himself, he can use them in other situations.
- Ask your child how she has been dealing with the bullying, talk about what else can be done and discuss what actions you can both take to solve the problem. Reassure her you will consult her before taking any action.
- Teach your child how to respond to a bully in a bold, assertive way.
- Practice with him at home by role playing. Participation in other activities builds confidence and develops social skills, making it easier to find ways of saying, “Leave me alone.”
- Suggest that your child stick with two or more other children when at the playground, the bus stop or wherever she comes face-to-face with the bully.
- Make sure your child knows it is okay to ask for help from a teacher or other adult. Practice what he’ll say so he doesn’t sound like he’s whining or tattling.
- Determine if your child has healthy friendships with other children. If not, perhaps she can benefit by developing better social skills.
- Encourage her to invite friends over to your home and participate in school activities.
- If necessary, meet with school representatives to discuss the problem.
- Remember, bullying is not a normal part of growing up. Help your child develop the necessary tools to stick up for himself and others.
Most of that we’ve done already … so now I’m asking myself what options do we have left? Personally, I’d love to have a sit down with all of these girls and their parents. While “Buffy”* may continue to be a problem child, it is highly possible that the parents of the other girls may have no idea this has been going on.
So I guess we’ll see …
All I know is that I can definitely attest to the change in Jessie that I’ve noticed since the bullying originally started a few years ago. She’s doing better this year than last year, but I’m afraid that she’ll never be the fearless bubbly outgoing little happy girl that she used to be. She’s now more self-conscious, and has extremely low self-esteem.
I was bullied in grade school and some in high school. I understand all too well how she feels, and it kills me that I can’t just snap my fingers and make it go away for her! At one point during the meeting this morning, Jessie was called into the office with us to tell the vice principal what happened last week and to explain a little more about what’s been happening. She shared a lot more than what she had told us at home. It hurt me to see her so upset by all this mess. She cried while she was recalling the names these girls called her, the things they’ve said to her and about her, and the horrible things that “Buffy”* has said to her just this year alone.
What gets me is that these girls have no idea of the damage they are doing — and they are doing it to MY baby!
While I’m hopeful that our meeting today will prove fruitful, part of me wonders if it will really be resolved.
Your thoughts?
* Obviously, these are not their real names, nor promotional products
Mara
Events like this DO leave a scar on children’s souls. A certain amount of it, there’s no way of getting away from and it’s part of childhood. But when things escalate to this level, *something* needs to be done!
I applaud you and Jim for following through with this. If nothing else comes from it, that will show Jessie you are both protecting her and looking out for her. After all, children start out small for a reason, and they need to know they will be protected.
My thoughts are this: if the principal can’t or won’t fix this (and by God, children have a RIGHT to be safe at their own school!), demand a meeting with the other girls and their parents to discuss the issue.
There are other schools in the country that have programs to deal with school bullies. You might do some Googling to find them, and present them as an idea to the principal.
When bullying gets to *this* point, it’s crossed the line from being just another of childhood and into harassment.
Ben
Bullying made me the man I am today.
That being said, it made me feel really sad reading that. I’ve been there, standing in the office of some teacher, who really doesn’t seem interested.
I had to writer a letter to the head of school in order for something to be done, and even then it was only a tempban on the bullies.
Lets be honest with you on her side the lil’ bastards don’t stand a chance, and if you crumble under the pressure i’ll get a flight over and knock them out.
Playground bullying/name calling is a part of growing up, but violence and abuse is not on.
BethW
Nicki,
I hate to say it, but you may just have to move Jessie. Are there other schools in the district? In this case, there should be no problem moving her. I’m not sure of your finances, but maybe a private school or homeschooling? (We homeschool, so I’m biased.) Besides that, be a thorn in the principle’s side until something is truly done about this. Ask for a meeting between you and “Buffy”‘s parents in the principle’s office. (Sometimes that helps… sometimes not so much…)
I wish I had more advice for you…
BethW’s last blog post: Explaining the Differences
Greta Perry
I hope her school has a No Bullying Policy like ours does. They don’t tolerate it at all. Get the guidance counselor involved too.
CD Junior
My kids are 9 and 10 and they face the same problems but they took Tae Kwon Do for 3 years so far and they don’t get pushed around. I also told them when I was young I was best friends with the biggest and toughest kid in the school so when someone went after me they knew they were going after both of us. With problem kids that you have talked with the school about before it is best to have a lawyer on retainer and have them give the school Principal a call.
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Doc
*sighs* Kids can be incredibly cruel and it sounds as if “Buffy” has self-esteem issues of her own. That’s really sad. It’s no excuse for the behavior though.
Please tell Jessie that we’re thinking of her *Hugs*
Doc & Mandy
seejanemom
You know…I don’t give a flat fucking FIG what they say about “turning the other cheek”—it is a sticks and stones thing, like you said. I would tell your daughter to make certain—CERTAIN–(not in the bathroom—but in the car line for instance)— there are WITNESSES, and LOTS OF THEM…to this trash talking, and the FIRST—-THE VERY FUCKING FIRST—- time she gets shoved again…SHE BITCH SLAPS THE MUD out of that little C*NT. WHOLE HAND…(let her practice on something at home—piss her off—get her mad—she’ll do it….)
I DO NOT take kindly to the coddling that bullies get in public AND private schools these days. Self esteem and tuition are two lame reasons….
If the little coven of bitches who are bothering her aren’t going to the principle’s office for what they are doing, when she beats the stuffing out of their little training bras THEY WILL ALL GET TO GO AND EACH WILL BE FORCED TO DO THE CARPET DANCE in front of the authorities.
Then it will ALL come out how she didnt start it…etc…because they ALL need to be in there and get ot out in the open once and for all. And I woudl stand shoulder to shoulder with her for DEFENDING herself and I would NOT PERMIT HER TO GO TO SUSPENSION for fighting. She is merely taking care of what the pussyassed principle WOULDN”T.
And GET AN ATTY if they push to discipline HER.
As a public shool teacher way back>>>threatening to sue them WILL get their attention.
Because I have told my two children, “YOU had better NEVER be the one to start a fight, but you had DAMNED WELL be the one to finish it.
The other girls will get wind and leave her alone. It only takes kicking ONE ass to get the others in line. TRUST ME.
Being a girl is tough, and I am glad I have sons, because a fist fight is so much easier for boys. Girls feel stymied, but they shouldn’t ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!
BOL. sweetie. I tought we had DONE eighth grade (in my case) and I am NOT enjoying the repeat….it sucked THEN, it sucks worse NOW.
xoxoxoxo
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Nicki
I love y’all, I really do. *sniff* :)
The vice principal is a very nice lady and strikes me as someone who’s very capable. She assured me that she will look into this and implement some changes to keep it from happening again.
That said, if I hear of it happening again, I’ll be back up at the school and will involve the principal. If it goes to that level, I will definitely request a meeting with all of the other parents.
I’m hopeful, and Jessie thanked us this afternoon in a very sweet note for coming up to the school today to help her with her “problem.”
Re: schools/moving — there is a private school in our area, but there’s a waiting list and it’s expensive. I would love to homeschool her, but we can’t afford for one of us to be out of work right now. As I look at it, we like where we live … and I’ll be DAMNED if we are going to move because of these little SHITS!
Thank you all for sharing your experience and advice. Love y’all!
John
Nicki,
You know my personality. I know this probably won’t work with Jessie because she’s so gentle. But here’s my two cents. The next time one of those little bitches TOUCHES her in any threatening way, she should retaliate with extreme prejudice. If she’s holding in the hurt and rage these little fuckers have caused her, she should let it explode all over their asses. You have tried to settle this matter, and if the school will not I believe Jessie will have to learn to stand up for, and if absolutely necessary defend herself. If things escalate to her being shoved, that’s assault and she has every right to beat the shit out of them.
Sorry, I’m just mad because somebody is messing with my best friends’ daughter. :!: :!:
Scott Allan
You can’t switch schools. You’ll be teaching her to run away from her problems. Terrorists can’t intimidate us and win and that’s exactly what these kids are. It’s too bad she doesn’t have an older brother who could straighten these kids out. I have had words with a child who teased my son on his baseball team because he didn’t speak English perfectly when he was 7. I told him it what he said wasn’t nice at all and he better not say anything like that again. He could tell I was really mad. I think just telling a kid you’re on to them and that you wouldn’t hesitate to call their parents or take her to the principal would probably frighten them enough to stop. I would also recommend a karate class for confidence. Luckily my son is one of the biggest kids in his class now and he tries to protect smaller kids from getting picked on by bullies. Sadly I’ve heard that parents of bullies usually either refuse to believe their child is a bully or simply don’t care, but you never know until you try talking to them but of course that’s a last resort. If the parents don’t care and the bully sees that there are no consequences, things could get worse. That’s why I’d rely on the school to assist.
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Devilish Southern Belle
Most schools have a zero-tolerance policy for bullying. If I am not mistaken, it is against the law for the school to know about bullying and not put a stop to it. (or maybe I’m wrong). I know they can only work with what they know about, so they will only be aware of what Jessie and/or you let them know about, but the school is obligated, if not required, to discipline the bully.
I wish I had been more aware of how to better handle bullies when my youngest son was a bit younger. The bullying he took, that he didn’t let me know about for the longest time, has caused a change in attitude that has him clashing with other students and teachers alike. It’s a nightmare.
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